


Your Nemesis: Yourself

by CamilleNicole59



Series: A Character Study [2]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bless them all, Brief suicidal thoughts, Depression, Family, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Logan tries so hard to be a good friend, Mentions of Christianity and Atheism, Patton worries for the others, Virgil hides from everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 09:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11666586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CamilleNicole59/pseuds/CamilleNicole59
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, Roman is not as arrogant, or loves himself as much, as he shows the others. He only wants everyone to trust that deception as truth.





	Your Nemesis: Yourself

He had to admit, they were doing much better after the imbroglio he caused, and that is why Logan had assured him that it was a necessary complication, or a necessary evil, as he clarified, to make sure Roman understood.

He knew Logan did not purposefully claim that. He _was_ still learning, after all, to hold his tongue whenever it came to accidental insults.

But as much as he wanted to believe that, he realized that it may not have been an insult, but a principle. Logan's choice of words had then imbued on Roman's thoughts a strange feeling that he didn't find familiar nor enjoyable.

Though the thoughts and doubts had not entirely started there. In truth, they have been there long before, somewhat. But now, this foreign woeful sensation had increased until he could barely look at Spoc— at Logan without feeling a pang that told him he did not deserve the honor or glory he boasted in, because he had broken not one, but _two_ vows of Knighthood as he screamed at the other (and that was _just_ in that dispute).

Those two vows were:  
**•To refrain from the wanton giving of offense  
• To eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit**

In fact, because he had payed no heed to Thomas' attempt to prevent him from damaging the situation even _further_ , he had also not obeyed those placed in authority.

In incipient times, when he was stubborn in his ”frame of reference”, as Logan put it, or perspective, while he tried his hardest to stay free of deceit, even then he was unjust and biased in his treatment of Virgil for the _longest_ time. And when they have pointed it out, he had denied it (even _more_ deceit). It seems as if everything he _does_ was untoward and dishonorable.

Logan was far more graceful than him in apologizing and forgiving first. At first, the weight in his shoulders lifted somewhat because of it, but as he pondered over it, it settled back in, even heavier.

He reasoned that maybe being objective, but not completely, was the right way to go. He vowed to himself to improve, and whilst he tried, also to _not_ fail at his fundamental duty: to be Thomas' _nefelibata_ , to provide him the most elysian hopes and dreams and ideas. Even if Roman was not... feeling it, as Thomas said once.

* * *

 

He worked the courage necessary to (apart from _everything_ , for he _was_ a knight) walk up to the dark persona, who strangely was not in his demesne, but sitting in the couch, sifting through his phone. His brows imperceptibly furrowed and he bit his lip as he scrolled.

He sat next to him, minding Virgil's six-inch space rule, and stared at him. He realized Virgil was deliberately ignoring him. Normally he would place his hand on his heart to keep it from collapsing from shock as he created an over-the-top gasp. Now, however, Roman was not feeling quite like himself. Not feeling like the cynosure of the planet.

_Oh, the irony._ He shouldn't discriminate Logan's behavior if he was feeling similarly, then.

Roman could believe he was being dismissed because of Virgil's common reticent behavior. But, he wouldn't sit there as they shared the tense and awkward atmosphere until Roman changed his mind and left, so he cleared his throat.

Virgil sighed, his eyes slipping from the screen to him. They seemed more vulnerable than usual. Roman attempted a smile, and hoped he did not spectacularly fail. He was afraid to take out his hand-mirror and prove himself right.

"Greetings, Eclipse," he vocalized (not as loud as he would have hoped), to which Virgil groaned. Roman froze. "You don't appreciate the soubriquets either?"

" _Oh_ , you call them nicknames?" the other spat, glaring at the screen. Then he mumbled, "More like labels."

Roman's shoulders were burdened with lead, but he would _not_ let them slump. A knight needed to appear courageous and strong no matter what.

"I'm terribly sorry, Anxiety." Roman looked away. "I didn't notice I was offending you. I shan't do it again. They're just... a force of habit."

Virgil sighed again. "Whatever."

Roman had not at all gotten close to what he needed to do to redeem himself, but as second after second passed it was becoming more difficult.

"What are you doing in there?" asked Roman, trying to see what was on the phone, but Virgil clutched it stiffly and pulled it against his chest. His suspicions rose, but he didn't want to force the other to do anything right now.

"You... You know that, if you wish, you could speak to me. If you didn't have anyone else to speak to." Roman forced his hands to his lap to keep them from opening and closing, a quirk he despised that decided to happen every time he did not feel as splendidly confident as he commonly did.

Virgil snorted. "And why would I?"

"I... haven't been fair with you, Anxiety. I thought we could develop our acquaintance to... friendship, perhaps."

Virgil glanced at him. "Are you feeling well?"

Roman was thrown off at the question. "What do you mean?"

Virgil snorted again. "You most definitely have a fever or something. Have you gotten delusional? Do I need to call Logan?"

Virgil was... ridiculing him. After his attempts of an olive branch. Roman stood and marched off, Virgil snickering as he left.

He shut his door to his bedroom and desperately put _The Sound of Music_ on his laptop, shoved his headphones in his ears, and tried to find optimism and hope within himself as he saw beautiful Julie Andrews sing her cares away in the mountains, in the mansion, with the children. He always felt ”catharsis”, Logan called it, when he watched and listened to the Disney movies.

But alas, Roman could not find it in himself to sing along or lilt to the music today.

* * *

 

Roman, as well as Patton, adored food, Patton most of all. But as they all ate together (Roman's favorite, sirloin steak, no less), he felt no usual appetite piquing his stomach. He cut the meat to pieces, and when he was done with the task, he forced one small, perfectly cut cube of sirloin, into his mouth. He chewed slowly, as if savoring it. But curse Logan for his exaggerated observational talents.

"Roman, are you alright?" queried Logan, who scrutinized him like a lab rat. Normally Roman would be affronted by this, but right now he didn't find it in himself to care about that. "Is it physical or... mental?"

Roman's pulse skyrocketed. Was he really that _obvious_?

"Oh, no, no, physical," he sputtered, and swallowed, hoping Logan wouldn't notice. "Just... nauseous."

Understanding dawned on Logan. "I see." He held his hand out to Roman. "Don't eat anymore. There is some Sprite and Powerade on the refrigerator if you vomit. You'll need the sustenance then."

Patton was pouting. "What a bad luck you have, Roman! The day that I make your favorite!"

Roman sighed, playing along, when in truth the thought of eating any more gave him enough revulsion to want to vomit already. "Yes. Well, let's hope I can eat the leftovers later."

**Again, he dissembled. Why was he so inclined to _sin?_**

Virgil looked up from his food, playing with it with his fork as well. "Can you guys believe it? You _were_ sick," he said to Roman, smirking.

Thomas, who was listening the whole time while occupied with eating, spoke up while covering his full mouth, frowning. "What do you mean?"

Virgil pointed at Roman. "This guy wanted to play ”friendly Prince” with me. I thought I should've talked to Logan about it."

Patton gasped heavily, his hands clasped together while he rested his temple on top of them. "Awww, did you _really_ , Roman?"

Roman huffed, his shoulders slumping a little, just a little. "I only wanted to start a conversation." He glanced at Virgil, who raised his eyebrows in a sarcastic ”Oh, _really_?” manner. In response, Roman dropped his fork on the plate in frustration. "Do you really need to mock me at every turn now?"

"Oh, come on, Roman," Virgil snarled, then literally began mocking him, with an exaggerated accent and his infamous pose. "'Let me just make fun of _everyone_ , but when they do it at me, _no_ , that is _criminal_!'" He slapped his hands against the table, making the others jump. "I've been damn patient with all you've said to me, haven't I? I would at least expect you to do the same!" His voice steadily rose to a scream.

Roman did not know what to say. The others were frozen along with him.

Virgil glared and pushed his chair back, the legs screeching in friction against the floor, making Patton and Thomas flinch once more. He stood and all but _ran_ from the dining room.

Roman hadn't realized his hand had found itself covering his mouth. He stressed if he should go after him, but Patton immediately beat him to it.

"I'll talk to him," he declared, his voice trembling slightly, as he quickly stood and walked out as well.

"What... was that?" asked Logan, who had paled considerably.

Thomas muttered a "Can I?" as his hand hovered over Logan's arm, and it took him a worrying five seconds to nod. Thomas squeezed his arm then, frowning.

"Anxiety likes defending himself with anger. Many people do it, really. When they're sad, or anxious."

Logan nodded slowly, then looked down, thinking. "I don't see why that would be helpful in any way."

Thomas sighed. "Sometimes we do things that _don't_ really help us."

Logan continued, looking at Thomas now. "If he were sad or anxious, or both, shouldn't he broadcast them so that we could help?" He glanced at Roman at the last words. "Like Riley did?"

Roman nodded, lowering down his hand. "Yes," he whispered. His hands had started dreadfully opening and closing, and as Logan stared, he again hid them from view upon his lap.

Logan must have realized his stress, for he adjusted his glasses and attempted at making him feel better.

"I'm certain Virgil did not genuinely intend those words. Individuals far too often say falsehoods for the sake of anger and to insult others." He made the Sherlock Holmes pose that indicated he was thinking and then added, "I don't think he loathes you as much as he projects it."

Somehow, Logan figured out what Roman wanted to hear, which means he really _was_ improving.

_But just because he wanted to hear it doesn't mean it immediately makes it truth._

* * *

 

Patton had come back, steadily shedding tears, as Roman and Thomas sat in the couch in the common room, watching TV to drown out their thoughts, while Logan washed the dishes (because if he doesn't have a task to do when stressed he could very well lose it). The men on the sofa stared at Patton, waiting for him to speak.

Patton took a deep breath and let it out, shrugging. "He pushed me away."

Thomas groaned. "He pushed _you_ away? This is really bad."

Roman fiddled with his hands, not daring to look up. "M-maybe _I_ should apologize."

He felt two sets of eyes burning into his skull after he said that. "Roman, are you really okay?" asked Thomas.

"I believe he only wants to hear it from me, not from you," he clarified, forcing his gaze upon them.

"Well, then." Roman jumped, only now realizing that Logan was behind him the whole time. He adjusted his glasses again. "I believe if he was hostile at you only, such course of action makes sense."

Patton nodded, sniffing, as he cradled himself with his arms. "Okay."

Roman stood, and lost his balance, but Logan steadied him in time. "Careful," he mumbled. "I can understand how such a conversation in the future may cause you unease. Let it sink in."

Roman nodded, his breath unnaturally shallow, and sat back down.

"Maybe he just needs some time alone." Patton sat beside him and took his hand in his. His voice had the same dulcet tone he used to console the other sides. "To work out his feelings. Then you can _both_ apologize."

"Why would he need to apologize? All he said was true," said Roman, puzzled.

Patton's eyes filled with tears again, but he didn't speak anymore. He only rubbed the back of Roman's hand with his thumb. Thomas stood.

"Well, I guess I should get to work on another video. I'm supposed to start filming in two days. Coming, Logan?"

Logan raised an eyebrow. "I think we both know that is not a question."

"Oh, and Roman," called Thomas before he walked out. "Can you help me work on the script later?"

"Ah, yes, I'll aid with the palimpsest soon." Logan nodded, but Thomas tilted his head, then threw up his hands.

"How do you know so many more words than I do?!"

Logan adjusted his glasses. "I believe maybe our lexicon would be your subconscious thought processes. Just a theory." Thomas stared at Logan, and bombinated. "Or we just suffer from epeolatry."

Thomas sighed, clearly not comprehending the new word. "Yeah, okay, let's just get to work on the vid."

As the two left the common room to Thomas' own room, Roman and Patton were left alone, with a TV screen paused on Parks and Recreation. Patton picked up the remote and resumed it, not as ebullient or as effervescent as usual, while Roman's shoulders were aquiver from the increasing pressure.

A knight was respectful and courageous and kind and forgiving and faithful.

**He was none of those things.**

* * *

 

It was the middle of the night. His usually sumptuous and opulent demesne now seemed to him like the tornado from Kansas finally hit it. His becoming appearance was compromised, for his mane and bangs seemed to have suffered a natural disaster of their own; he didn't sleep if he could help it, trying desperately for his nightmares to stop plaguing him, and he dispatched his uniform for a t-shirt and sweatpants.

Roman listened to _A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes_ on his earphones connected to his phone as he lay on the bed. The song was on repeat, and he wondered how he could have believed such naïvety that Cinderella spewed and was so sure about.

_A dream is a wish your heart makes_  
_When you fall asleep_  
_In dreams, you will lose your heartaches  
Whatever you wish for, you keep_

Unless you're suffering from a nightmare, which are quite common these days, nightmares in which they all realize what a nefarious monster he really is, and despise him, loathe him, unlike what Logan said to lift his spirits. Nightmares in which he failed, and Thomas can no longer find the beauty and love and wonder in anything. And in which Logan cannot find the motivation for productivity, and Patton would no longer see the good in people, and Virgil would beleaguer and beleaguer and _beleaguer_ to stop himself from drowning in fear. And somehow, but _surely, obviously, **it was all his fault.**_

_Have faith in your dreams, and someday  
Your rainbow will come smiling through_

According to both Logan and Virgil, there was nothing special about rainbows. Of course, both of them couldn't have more different reasons for that.

Virgil claimed superstition is a moronic way of thinking, and that rainbows were just a pretty view.

Logan said it was rare and fascinating for light and water to mix in the atmosphere to create the iridescent spectacle, but couldn't comprehend why they were constantly used for emotional purposes rather than for science.

In the end, they did agree without knowing it.

But then Patton disagreed with both of them, referencing the _Bible_ of all things, and saying that while it may not grant wishes or riches, its Christian meaning was much more important than that. That after the world flooded with rain for forty days and nights, a rainbow appeared on the sky.

"A rainbow, for Christians, is the promise from God that the world would never again end with water and flooding. I think that's more beautiful than any other belief people have."

That statement confused Logan and frustrated Virgil, the latter being an atheist. It made Roman himself wonder what he should believe. He knew as a knight that he vowed to **fear God and maintain His Church** , but he wasn't exactly sure if he _should_ believe the ethereal God. But he had to admit it was enjoyable, and gave hope, to believe.

_No matter how your heart is grieving,  
If you keep on believing,_

Maybe Virgil was right, though. If humans desperately searched for hope in shooting stars and four-leaf clovers, then they truly were pathetic.

_**That dream that you wish will come true.** _

He ripped off the earphones and threw the phone away, hearing it thud as it crashed against the wall, and then to the floor. The epiphany rushed to him all at once: his life might as well be a lie. All those times that Logan called him delusional, that Virgil sighed in frustration at his unreachable, impossible dreams. They suddenly made sense.

He shut his eyes. Thomas only needed him for theater and his YouTube channel, nothing else. Roman would only make him feel sehnsucht for travels, set him up for heartbreak, if he tried to be more than what he was. Why then, would he keep hoping for more? Hoping to be useful in a more fundamental way like the others were? Because if he were gone, if he left it all somehow, Thomas would keep on living. Virgil would _celebrate_ , even.

He curled on the floor, his breath coming in gasps, tears slipping from shut eyelids. Maybe he should. Maybe it would be better for— _**No.**_

**_Logan. Patton._ **

_They_ were enough. Curse it all, even if Thomas himself did not desire to feel his presence, even if Virgil would damn him for perpetuity, Patton would always forgive, forgive, _forgive_. Was too good to a fault. And Logan had admitted that his existence wasn't and would never be inconsequential; he payed attention to his movies, to the songs he sang with fervor. One cared too much and the other tried and tried until he actually _did_.

What would they do if he did it?

Logan would close off, would never open up again or allow himself to get attached to anything or anyone again. And Patton, _oh_ , Patton...

Gasps turned into silent sobs as lead in his chest and shoulders turned to osmium (Logan taught him about how it was twice as dense as lead, so it _must_ be it). What would they _think_ if they knew his thoughts? The fact that he contemplated it without even _considering_ them burdened him more than the horrible (but truthful) words that Virgil screamed at him.

He didn't think he'd be able to sleep tonight. He turned on the TV on Disney Channel, and forced himself to warch and laugh and love the shows he watched. But he only sobbed harder in response. And covered his mouth and nose to avoid waking the others up.

* * *

 

When his eyes fluttered open and blinked blearily, he saw that by the light mildly covered by the curtains he at least slept through the night after his shameful breakdown perhaps approaching midnight. He fiddled with the night-table to find his phone, but the memory of him throwing it thrust itself into his brain. He moaned. Getting up sounded unbearable as of now. Looks like he wouldn't know what time it was for a while.

He was awake, and had slept relatively well, he thought, but he was exhausted, desultory.

**_No peace for the wicked._ **

There was abruptly an intricate pattern of knocks on the door, which meant it was obviously Logan who was checking in on him. Why now?

He pretended to be asleep.

"Roman, I'm coming in. I hope you're dressed."

As the door opened quietly, he heard nothing, until footsteps came closer and closer. Roman feared what he would do to probe him. Logan knew everything. Maybe he somehow knew—

Ceramic clanged against wood as Roman realized the other man placed his breakfast on the night-table. There was another silence until footsteps went back the way they came.

When he door closed, even more silent than the first time, he opened his eyes.

There were pancakes with a side of bacon on the plate, a syrup bottle beside it. Logan remembered that he absolutely despised bacon mixed with syrup, and he felt vaguely grateful.

But once again that terrible feeling that came with the thought of eating came back, and he turned away from the food, curled up and hugging himself because he felt frigid, numb.

It made sense that Logan would see if he was alright, or at least make sure that he would eat, since the first and worst mistake they had all made when it involved Logan was thinking that he would always care for himself, since it was the logical thing to do. But as Logan subtly reminded Roman every time he, out of habit, compared him to a machine or artificial intelligence, he was as human as the others were.

_**Guilt**_ became all there was for Roman. All there was to feel and think about. He'd felt it since he could remember, because that feeling was now all too familiar, only wordless and mysterious. It was once his nemesis. But now the weight became a part of him, part of his identity. And he understood why. He deserved that.

There were far too many errors and wrongdoings he had made; he couldn't even count them. It was shameful for princes and knights to make them, but _Roman_ was the King of mistakes.

Guilt was his punishment, and would be for good. He was sure of it.

He did not deserve his role. As a knight. As a prince. As Creativity. The only reason he exists is because of only two people in his life.

* * *

 

It's an ironic jest, to think that once, he cared too much of disappointing Thomas. Of letting him down.

Now, all he could do was let him down. And the others too.

Virgil barely came out of his room after that, and if he did, he avoided Roman at all costs.

Logan asked Roman why he hadn't sung anything these days. Or why he seemed overcome with lassitude lately. Roman told him that he felt he was coming down with something, to which Logan responded with pills, extra blankets, and orange juice. The indulgence Logan gives Roman was almost enough to make him smile.

Almost.

Patton didn't care about Roman's supposed illness or if it could propagate, only hugged him and shared with him his teddy bear he owned since he was a child, admitting that she (her name is Missy) always helped him feel better when he was down or sick.

Thomas claimed he was suffering from writer's block, but when he was told of Roman's situation, he did not force the matter anymore. He only turned on Netflix and put High School Musical, and all sat on the sofa.

Patton sighed, mumbling, "I wish Virgil were here."

Thomas glanced at him with pity in his eyes. "Me too."

"I tried conversing with him, but failed," said Logan, who appeared distant from the conversation. "There was nothing I would say that he would listen to."

"You did what you could, Logan," muttered Patton carefully. "You didn't fail, he just didn't let you talk. It's not about success or failure when it comes to people, y'know? It's more of talking, asking and answering. If you talk and he doesn't wanna talk back, it's because he chose to."

Logan nodded, slowly, and they directed their attention to the musical again.

Soon, Patton sighed. "I hate this song."

Logan furrowed his brows in confusion. "Perhaps we should attempt _not_ to offend Roman and his taste of music."

"No, it's alright," said Roman, waving him off, trying to appease the both of them. "It frustrates me too, because it reminds me that society doesn't like change either. If they're something, they must _stay_ that something."

"Well, not everyone can have the same tastes in hobbies or music."

"That's right, Logan." Patton smiled at him. "But people many times don't understand that."

"It's a nice way to point that flaw out," Thomas added, shrugging. "We should be grateful for the song, I think."

"If Virgil were here, he would literally be gagging right now," Logan pointed out. Everyone stared at him. "What? He did say he dislikes being ”forced around by society”." He wagged his fingers to represent his quotation on that phrase.

Roman liked how they all huddled together, and saw how high-schoolers could feel accepted, or in love, or happy. Mostly. The company helped him ignore his warring thoughts a small amount better. At least _they_ could stand his company. This felicity, while he knew would be ephemeral, or _evanescent_ , as Virgil would perhaps say, he desired to relish it while it was present.

* * *

 

He _needed_ to visit him, wether Virgil wanted him to or not. He was supposed to **protect the weak and defenseless, to fight for the welfare of all.**

Which is why he stood outside of the dark one's room, his forehead resting against the chestnut colored wood as he willed his breath to calm. A minute later he knocked with his fist to the beat of _Do Re Mi_.

There was no answer. But finally, he would take Logan's reasoning. "I'm coming in, Virgil," he called, before gently opening the door.

Virgil was curled up in his bed, turned away from him (déjà vu), phone clutched in his hand; which was enough for Roman to know that the other was awake.

He walked over to him and took his seat at the edge of the bed. He sighed through his nose, suddenly the words stuck in his throat, and anything he had planned to say flew out the window of his mind.

"What do you want?" groaned Virgil, slightly muffled by the pillow where his cheek rested.

"I came to apologize."

"Apology accepted, now go."

Roman scoffed, but mentally kicked himself for sounding arrogant once more. "Not just for the nicknames, or just for being unfair. For everything."

Virgil was silent. Roman took it as a sign to keep going.

"I... I was horrible and we all know it. And I clung to my arrogance and egoism, because I thought you could all, be influenced by my confidence. Faulty l-logic, I know." He stuttered out the last sentence quickly, and took a deep breath. "I have caused you more suffering than Logan has and I... For that I am hypocritical, beyond everyone else in this world. And..." His wretched hands opened and closed erratically. "I was... v-vapid and slow-witted to think you could _forgive_ me for all that." A laugh, a desperate one, the one he has been trying to muster for weeks now suddenly tumbled out, sounding more manic than he intended. He immediately covered his mouth with his shaking hand but it kept and kept coming. He stood.

"I don't want you to brood because of me." His laugh ended abruptly as he said this. His voice was stable; he was sure of the truth. "I'm not worth it. So come out and eat. Spend time with them. Because they miss you. They _need_ you."

He heard a sigh. "Everything just _has_ to be about you, huh?" Virgil mumbled. He tossed to look at him with contempt. More weight. Could he handle any more?

"W-what?"

"You're... not the whole reason I'm mad at you."

Roman waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't. "I'm not?"

He sighed again. "No. Now get out of here."

His face heated. "I'm not leaving until you come out, Virgil."

Virgil stared at him in surprise, his eyebrows raised. "Why do I need to?"

Roman was grinding his teeth. "The others are worried sick for you. It would be better for them if you considered them, wouldn't it?"

" _Princey_ , I swear to _God_ —"

"Please don't, you don't believe in him." He held out his hand, not sure why he said that.

"Thomas doesn't need to worry about me!" Virgil yelled, sitting up.

Roman faltered, his hand falling to his side. "...Why?"

"You're not doing you _job_. He doesn't feel great, or confident, or creative, and that's _your_ fault," he snarled, pointing at him.

"I think we're pretty clear of my faults, aren't we?" Roman raised his hand, doing his sassy pose; it's been a while since he's done that. "Why aren't _you_ making him as worried as he should be? To finish his video? To do chores? You don't remember the time Thomas was acting like a moron, do you?"

"I _am_ there, just..." He waved his hand as the other one gripped his hair. "Not as heightened."

" _Why?_ "

"Cause it's his pride and joy! But you're not making him confident, Patton is worried and apparently not as optimistic, so it would _break him_ if—" Virgil cut off from his babbling, biting his tongue.

That was enough for Roman. "What are you hiding? If we all knew, we could... solve it, perhaps."

Virgil seemed as tired as Roman was. "It's _nothing_. Just... People are jerks."

Roman frowned. "You usually say that. Why are they now?" He walked back to him, sitting back in the bed.

Virgil moved away from him. Roman took the message and stood again. "No," he mumbled, not looking at him, and then reached out. "Sorry. Force of habit, right...? Sit."

Roman might have developed stress wrinkles on his forehead for how much he frowned these days. "Alright." He sat back down, but kept his space. "What did the people do?"

He tossed the phone at Roman. Said aspect picked it up from his lap and read comment upon negative comment on YouTube. "Like, I _know_ we make good content, right? 'Cause almost everyone likes it. But there are _idiots_ out there who..." Virgil waved his hand at the phone. "You know?"

"I know..." He looked up at the other, who was fiddling with his thumbs. "That's why you wanted me to make him feel more confident?" Virgil nodded. "I'm sorry, I—"

"You've apologized enough, you know?" Virgil frowned too. "I thought it was stupid, so I didn't tell you. I should've. End of story."

"And why would you? You've made it clear that I—"

" _Stop_ , Roman. Hating myself is _my_ job." He gripped Roman's arm, looking alarmed, a bit lost. "You okay?"

...That question took Roman too long to answer, and when he was going to answer that, yes, he _was_ fine, the words wouldn't come out once again.

Virgil's eyes widened. "Oh, _Jesus_ , Roman, I'm sorry."

Roman forced out a chuckle. "You only bring Them up to curse, don't you? Patton would be shocked at you."

Virgil's eyes didn't brighten any, inured by his newly-learned knowledge (which gave Roman _more, **too much, too heavy**_ ), but he played along, with his usual lop-sided smirk lightly gracing his lips. Roman realized the smirk was and always will be forgery. "Well, he's Morality. Of course he'll be disappointed at me."

Roman didn't appreciate his choice of words, mildly shaking his head. "He'd never be disappointed at you."

"And I think he'll be just as accepting if you're honest with him... Or with me." He shrugged. "You told me I could do the same."

"Yes. I did. And, Virgil?"

"Yeah?"

"People can feel as horrible about themselves as you sometimes do, and because of that, they attack others to make themselves feel superior to others. But it never achieves that purpose. They only show how pathetic and selfish they are. It really has nothing to do with us... it's all about them." He was speaking from experience.

Virgil smiled slightly, but it was a real smile, the first time in weeks, Roman noticed. "Okay."

"Promise me you won't obsess over this again," ordered Roman, waving the phone.

"You're not my dad, Roman. Patton is." He stared, presumably thinking. "But, yeah. Alright." He smirked. "And _you_ promise to stop blaming yourself for all you did just now."

Roman did not find that possible. But, if Virgil seemed to forgive him for the first time in his own way, along with the motivation that came from Logan and Patton, he'd want to try. "I vow to stop blaming myself," he repeated. "Now, don't you want to eat something? Or watch a movie? Maybe _Black Cauldron?_ "

Virgil's demeanor fell. He sighed. "I don't feel like doing any of that."

Roman's lips tugged up. He shrugged. "Me neither."

"Can you stay?" Virgil almost whimpered, looking down in shame.

"Yes. I'll stay." He then moved so his back was against the wall, Virgil beside him, as they sat in the bed.

They remained like this for a while, savoring the ataraxia. Until Virgil didn't care about leaning his head on his shoulder, while Roman rubbed the back of the other's hand with his thumb, thinking that if Patton calmed Roman down somewhat with that, he could use it for Virgil.

Somehow, them silently trying to keep each other from falling apart made Roman tear up, but it wasn't the darkness in his chest and shoulders that caused it. Finally, the unbearable weight lifted, but he needed to make sure it was true.

"Do you _really_ forgive me?"

"Do _you?_ "

Roman did not hesitate. "Of course."

"I do too."

Roman looked at him, a tear escaping and sliding down his cheek, but with Virgil he didn't feel the pressure to hide it. Virgil's eyes were brimmed with tears as well as he stared back, but he didn't let them fall. Not yet.

Maybe Roman didn't deserve to be a knight, or a prince. He certainly didn't deserve such wonderful friends, which were more valuable than any title. But he decided to accept the love they gave him. And he felt honored to receive such grace.

It was extravagant, but he decided that wether he deserve them or not, they were the ones who decided to care for him, to accept him as one of them.

That awareness finally gave him peace.

* * *

 

When Virgil came out of the room along with Roman two hours later, Patton embraced them and couldn't stop squealing about how proud he was of both of them. Virgil at first tried to push him away, but ultimately collapsed against him. Roman immediately wrapped his arms around both of them, knowing that while it may have been less masculine, it was humble. That was how a knight should behave.

He finally embraced humility.

* * *

 

They did put _Black Cauldron_ in the end, followed by _Nightmare Before Christmas_. Virgil kept telling them he was being spoiled, and didn't want Patton to have nightmares after them. Patton responded, mildly offended, that he could handle it, and that he hadn't had a chance to spoil him in weeks. Virgil scoffed, rubbing his nose with his finger. They all knew he gets embarrassed with Patton because he, without fail, behaved the same way after a humiliating comment.

Logan, although he never admitted it, seemed to find it mildly adorable, because every time Virgil reacted that way, he smiled imperceptibly. Patton loved it when Virgil did it as well. He only was ten times more obvious.

"Awww, you know you love me!" he squealed.

"Dude, are you alright?!" Virgil shouted, trying his hardest not to smile.

"No. I'm _half left_."

Logan's brain seemed to shut down at that moment, staring at Patton with his brows furrowed and jaw hanging open, while Thomas guffawed to oblivion. Roman snickered and he covered his mouth, and when Virgil sputtered from barely contained laughter, his face red with mortification, Roman only burst out cackling. Patton looked on, proud of his creation.

They had to pause the movie, because one studied another's eyes to check if he was intoxicated or delirious or suffering from a concussion; another hid within his hoodie, giggling and snorting into his palms as they covered his face; another was focused on pressing a hand on his heart to still it, gasping; and the last one collapsed to the floor, his laughter not showing any signs of ceasing.

After the ”laughter attack”, as Logan put it, Roman sighed in contentment. Knighthood, royalty, those things didn't matter. He realized this now, as he watched them all (including Logan, now that he saw it was only a jest) chuckle, trying to calm down. Even if he failed at what he was best at, he knew he could try again, because they'd forgive him.

They were what made life _sulit_. Worth living.

* * *

 

Roman couldn't sleep, again. He supposed today wasn't a miraculous cure to his strange, woebegone feeling, although it wasn't as terrifying or as painful as before. He sighed and stood, making his way downstairs to the kitchen, considering serving himself a glass of milk, when he saw Thomas sprawled on the couch watching Peter Pan on Netflix.

As he glanced at Roman's raised eyebrow, he shrugged. "Tried to summon Virge, he didn't let me. I thought we could lighten up with this or something." He shook his head. "But he didn't come."

"I'll speak to him later," promised Roman, because they all had learned that if Virgil decided to be alone, he was going to be alone. Then he sat beside him, humming quietly to _You Can Fly! You Can Fly! You Can Fly!_ He was reminded of how Virgil thought it was annoyingly fake and idiotic of the infants to believe they could fly because a stranger told them they could; and while Patton would also be disappointed on the kids on any other situation, he never saw it that way because he, as well as Roman, adored the idea of flying away from strife. Patton only wished to be a child forever himself (or go to Heaven), while Roman just wanted to explore every hidden corner of Neverland.

He also remembered Patton say a few weeks ago, "Why does Peter Pan never stop flying? 'Cause he _neverlands_." Roman was so insulted, he choked after gasping dramatically, causing Patton and Thomas to laugh harder, while Logan suddenly slapped his back.

"Can you cough? If you cough, you can breathe." He then sighed in relief when Roman did proceed coughing. Virgil chuckled at the sight, which only made Roman more offended.

Why _was_ he so easily offended?

Is it because he was even more fragile than he thought? His self-esteem proved to be so lately, but was it _always?_

"Hey." Thomas waved his hand in his eyes to get his attention. "You're awfully quiet."

Roman took the hand away and stared at Thomas with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, at least you're kinda yourself now."

"Excuse me?" He furrowed his brows. Once more.

"Were you _really_ sick a few days ago?"

"...Was I obvious?"

"Well, you looked down, so I thought that was because you felt terribly sick. But Logan, though he enjoyed completely taking care of you," a chuckle interrupted his speech. "He said he had suspicions you just wanted us to do everything you wanted."

Roman's hands started their habit once more. "Oh... See, if I'm being truthful with you, I _did_ lie."

"So that explains my endless boredom. Like, I felt positive and optimistic, but not as hopeful, and I didn't even know what to do these last few days. I mean, at least Logan kept me productive, but..." He shook his head. Then he twirled his hand, shrugging. "I don't know."

"Well, you're right. I _haven't_ been doing my job." **_Oh, Lord, the weight is back._**

"Hey," Thomas said, lifting Roman's chin. He didn't notice his gaze slipping down. "I'm feeling a lot better now. Like Patton said, everyone has their bad days. Virgil was down too. I'm just glad you could get over your differences, _and_ give me a rest, finally!" He giggled.

"Well, I'm glad your suffering has ceased, Thomas."

Thomas stared at Roman's hands, like Logan had a few days ago. "You wanna talk?"

Roman hesitated, and Thomas paused the movie, putting his whole attention on the other, who had, finally, let himself slump from the weight.

"I've been thinking of... many things lately."

Thomas kept silent, urging him to continue.

"I-I don't know how many times I've failed, but, while I know I'm useful, I don't know if I'm _that_ useful, as the others."

"Of course you're useful, Roman," Thomas declared quietly, incredulous, and immediately took his hand, his grip like steel. "Didn't you hear me just now? Without you, I'd be lost, not knowing what to do, what to aspire for. Patton _is_ part of the passion, but _you_ are the courage, the inspiration, the motivation that I need to make that passion into action. You don't just _dream_ , Roman, you make sure that dream comes _true_."

"But that's just it!" Roman exclaimed, raising his hands agitatedly. "What is the use of dreaming if they can't come true? A-and I'm _definitely_ not as courageous as you think I am."

He shook his head. "If you weren't courageous, Roman, I don't think I would've done half the things I could. We all felt afraid, but you decided ”to hell with it!” so many times now!"

"But, Thomas—"

"Okay, Roman," interrupted Thomas, and sighed through his nose. "Don't take Virgil's job. He and Logan make sure that the dream is possible and safe. But if you _don't_ dream, why the hell would I live, then?" 

That question took Roman's breath away. He shrunk into himself. "That's too much pressure now."

"Sorry," the other mumbled. Then raised his voice. "Roman, all I'm saying is, no matter what, it's important to hope and dream. Even if they're not true, sometimes they're worth believing."

Roman sighed, thinking, but smiled slightly. "You may be right."

"And Roman? When _did_ you fail?"

Roman scoffed. "You want me to name them all?"

"Hey, Charming, remember your vow?"

Both turned to see Virgil smirk, which contrasted sharply to his tired eyes and dark bags under them. He tisked once. "We should _probably_ make an insomnia club, huh?"

"Were you eavesdropping, Anxiety?" gasped Roman. "I did not take you for the surreptitious one."

"Only for a few seconds." He held out his hands in surrender. "I am just sick of your weirdly low self-esteem lately."

"Glad you came by, Virge!" grinned Thomas. Virgil made a fake military salute, and sat beside Roman, a few inches away. The propinquity was gone now. Roman assumed Virgil let him get close that day because of the vulnerability of both of them.

Virgil turned to him after watching the paused screen. "You promised you wouldn't blame yourself. I want to see you at least _try_ to do that."

"Roman," Thomas added. "I don't think you failed half as much as you think you did either."

"Look me in the eye, and tell me in all seriousness that you mean it," ordered Roman to both of them.

"Damn it Roman, I mean it," Virgil deadpanned, glaring. "Of _course_ I mean it."

"Yeah, me too, Roman. Patton would agree too, Logan would give you a frickin' _chart_ and _timeline_ of your successes and failures and show you you're exaggerating. You want Logan to make one tomorrow? We all know he'd gladly do it."

"Is it me, or do you and Logan have a crippling phobia of failing? I mean, not so different after all, right?" Virgil suddenly pointed out with a ghost of a smile, squinting.

"You're right!" Thomas whisper-yelled, to avoid waking the last two up. "You two should have a talk about that, you know? 'Cause you _really_ need to work that out. And do you have any idea how long I was looking for something you two have in common?" He pointed at Roman for emphasis.

"Well, I guess." Roman's eyes were slightly wet with tears already. He took a shaky breath. "I am very grateful to have you all as friends."

Virgil ”pfffted” and rubbed his nose, and Thomas responded with "I'm grateful to have you too, Princey," smiling.

Before Thomas picked up the remote, Roman turned to Virgil. "And since you called me 'Charming', can I call you Ebony? Or Penumbra? Once in a while?"

Virgil sighed. "They... don't sound _so_ bad."

Roman smiled, winking at him. Virgil threw his head back and moaned, smiling slightly. "You and Patton will be the death of me."

They resumed the movie. Roman convinced Virgil to sing a few lines along with him, and they learned Virgil was not bad at all at singing the second voice while Roman took over the melody. Thomas also joined in on their harmony once in a while. It almost sounded professional, and they grinned while singing.

When the movie ended, Virgil was asleep, sprawled over the arm of the couch, and Roman adjusted him so that he would be more comfortable. Thomas yawned, and checked his phone.

"It's midnight," he said quietly.

"Well, it's mighty time we went to sleep, else Logan and Patton will join forces as disappointed parents or something." The comment earned a giggle from Thomas.

"You think of Logan as a parent?"

"...Maybe I didn't word it as well as I should've. I _did_ tell you I wasn't the word-y side, however." He raised his arm at the other sassily, and Thomas giggled again.

Roman lowered his arm. "But he does care for us, doesn't he?"

"Yes, both of them do."

Roman nodded and stood from the couch, stretching his arms. As he began walking out, he heard Thomas call his name.

"Yes?" he whispered.

"Do you remember what I said?" Thomas asked, susurrous as well. Roman shook his head. "You may not feel like a hero, or a knight. But you better remember: You're _my_ hero."

Roman grinned, as wide as Patton's are. He didn't remember the last time he felt as whole and as valuable until now.

" _Thank you_ , Thomas."

Yes, being Thomas' hero was far more honorable than being any other kind of hero. It was a trouvaille, serendipity. Maybe even a small panacea. But surely, Thomas and his kindness were always the miracles he needed.

**Author's Note:**

> So, Roman's POV is fricking HARD to write. I think the best motivation for his angst were the Knight's Code of Chivalry, which is were I got most of the bolded missions that Roman felt he needed to do, but failed to many times. Another inspiration of his POV was the search for beautiful words in English or different languages.
> 
> I'm pretty sure Thomas is not a Christian, but I wanted to put the benefit of doubt (or to make him an agnostic) with the other sides. Roman's mission as a knight is "to fear God and maintain His Church" as well as his grand hope and beliefs, should make it easier on him to have faith, but now with the depression, he started questioning wether he should believe or not. And Patton (although he isn't entirely faithful), I thought since the generations before now accepted God much easier than in the present, and because the morals are mostly based on God's Word, I could write him as a guy who at least considered Him. But then there's Virgil and his shameless atheism, and Logan's logic that there couldn't be a deity who created or allowed all the things that happened in the world.
> 
> As you can see, I'm a Christian. And I don't wanna downplay atheism in those small instances that I wrote those things. I just thought it would be fun to write that. I hope I didn't offend anyone. 
> 
> And I wanted to add, that while Thomas isn't a Christian, there is a quality of him that all Christians should have and that I struggle to aspire to: he loves and respects anyone and everyone. It is almost a mission and a commandment for us Christians, because basically, to not sin, you need to love others and yourselves (and God, of course) to not hurt others or yourselves. 
> 
> No matter who you are or what you did, Jesus loves you. So WHY should we discriminate people for who they are or what they'd done? The only one who will judge is God, but even though we all have sinned, He loves us and is willing to forgive us if we ask for forgiveness nonetheless. 
> 
> It's why I love Thomas so MUCH. So accepting and respectful of anything. I want and hope to be more like him.
> 
> This turned out to be kind of a praise to Thomas and a little lesson of God, and if you stayed reading these notes and my rambling this long, I give you kudos.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I did writing it! (I know it's not as good as the first one, but when are sequels ever better than the original? *shrugs*)


End file.
